My body is awesome. Aside from the deposits of mineral-rich fat deep beneath the surface, and my left hand which is essentially useless, this thing is kind of rad. Tuesday morning I weighed in at 262, which felt amazing. With still four days to go, there was no way I wasn’t going to make some sort of progress.

I had two different major workouts to look forward to as well. Both of which went awesomely. I want to go on record as stating I had one of the best boxing workouts of my life, and dodgeball Thursday was both fun and physically exerting. Which is why I’m proud to announce today’s weight, of 267 pounds.

Wait.

My body is a piece of shit. How could you do this to me, me? Let’s break it down and try to figure out where I fucked up so horrendously as to gain five goddamned pounds in three days. There was that time on Wednesday, where instead of nutrition I ate Safeway boneless chicken wings for dinner. These things are gross, and not even technically food, so I don’t think that should be held against me, especially since I ate them right after working out. Then on Thursday I ended up drinking a couple of beers with my fellow dodgers. While not the wisest decision, I still don’t think I should have held that much of it against me.

Whatever, you’re not going to win bellysaurus. I’m not even going to say “Back to the drawing board.” We’re just gonna keep on until you get the message.

An open letter to my stupid fuck belly: 

You’re a dumb, dumb stupid jerk. I treated you pretty much alright and this is how you repay me? I really need to find a scale that reads my BMI or something, because I’m holding onto a sliver of hope that I just gained five pounds of chamanpion, and not a Costco-sized container of Rocky Road. I hate you. So much.That’s why you’re now full of choclate cookies shaped like pandas and a burger from a Korean place called “Herfys.”

Asian food stores really need to have a lighted strip on the floor, leading defeated gweilos like myself: “Here you go fatty, Pocky is on the right”. That way I’m not wandering around the Uwajimaya aimlessly for 20 minutes, trying not to look at the duck carcasses.