Today I weighed in at 261. This is less than my post-cheat day weight of 262, and thankfully better than my Tuesday weight of 263. I’m trying to figure out where the 3 even came from, and it’s starting to hurt my head. Even after a year, I have no idea what my body is doing on any given day. I should be more concerned by this, but I am starting to acclimate to its batshit tendencies.
For as much as I’ve been feeling like a massive asshole recently, the old sense of self-loathing that hovers over my shoulder is surprisingly absent. Have no doubt, I absolutely hate myself at this moment RE: dickgate, but when I look in the mirror I don’t see it. This is a significant change from the Riley of old. I used to be able to look in a mirror and by simply thinking about myself, I'd watch my reflection morph into something even more unseemly than it already was. All this week, when I was completing my two minute shame ritual of staring at myself before work, nothing happened. I mean, I might feel like shit, but all I saw was a regular fat guy who needs a shower.
I am confused. Technically I should call this “emotional progress,” but that might be too kind of a phrase. I’m pretty convinced that every time I actually see myself, I’m viewing me through a funhouse mirror. When I’m upset about my weight, a groggy lump of dude is glaring back at me. However, when I’m happy, or feeling abnormally confident, I see a padded adonis giving me bedroom eyes. I don't know if I’m starting to see the real me, after all this time, or I’m just looking at things through a lard-smeared lens.
Tonight I get to box again. I haven’t been able to make it since I started working again. The first week it just didn’t happen, and last week I felt like such an ass regarding my goliath social faux pas that I couldn’t pay attention, pulled my hamstring warming up my hamstring and had to bail early. I expect two things to happen tonight: 1. It’s gonna suck, so hard. Missing even a week pretty much guarantees the next class is going to make you eat shit. 2. It’s gonna rock, so hard. I need to punch so many things out right now I can feel my eyes vibrating.