Megaguts
Hello Tuesday. I would have gotten this up yesterday, but I spent the majority of my time tearing up in my apartment, trying to convince my stomach to get with the program. I’m not entirely sure what was wrong, but all I can say for sure that is that I was so uncomfortable I’ve taken to referring to the entire situation as the battle in the bulge. I got so desperate that at one point I started laying money on my stomach and conveniently looking the other way for a little while. Turns out, my stomach cannot be bribed, except for one instance when i inexplicably lost a quarter. That kind of freaked me out.
Eventually, after a long bout of negotiations, my stomach calmed down to the point where I was able to actually leave my apartment. I wasn’t confident enough to go for a run, or a jog, or a determined walk, so I just kind of drove around listening to music and enjoying weather. I’m pretty sure my stomach got the better end of the deal, though. I don’t know exactly what "stock options" are, but it now has them, and I’m pretty sure my belly makes more money than I do now. He’s got a really good lawyer.
I don’t think I’m sick, and if I were to ask myself what exactly went wrong with my internals, my only answer would be Saturday. Saturday happened. It was fun, but clearly my body and I have different opinions on what "fun" actually is.
Speaking of Saturday, someone actually passed me a note. I haven’t gotten a note since I was in 8th grade, so despite its vaguely threatening contents, I was still pretty giddy about it. It was left in the pocket of my sweatshirt and everything. I think somewhere out there, I’ve got a crush.
My stomach is not presently trying to organize a revolt, so I think I’m going to try and do a push up or something. I would weigh myself, but my scale is currently in time out for seditious behavior.
Flesh Wizard and I played at a house show this weekend, there’s even video of it. I’m not showing this to brag or force you to listen to our bad music. We were both just stunned at how horrific we look. Flesh Wizard figures he appeared to be pregnant with a baby who was also pregnant, while I thought I looked like a goth grapefruit. After a couple hours of mutual support and grief counseling, we both decided that this was filmed using some sort of clown mirror lens, and neither of us actually look that gross. I swear. Either way, we’re changing the name of this song to “Ogres Anonymous."
