Headlines

Washington's greatest hoser siphons thousands of dollars in gas

By Hudson Hongo Published: May 8, 2013 at 4:16 PM PDT

Thanks to a nearly dystopian economic climate, today's thief has mostly resorted to "I didn't know you could steal that" heist targets like cooking grease, power cords and baby formula, so it's nice to hear about someone going back to the basics with their criminality. Olympia's Shanon Meadows has proven himself to be just such a person, demonstrating his love for the classics by siphoning some $2000 of black gold from Thurston county gas stations.

Reportedly using a small electric pump to funnel fuel out of the stations' reserve tanks and into his minivan, Washington's suckiest sneak thief confessed his crude crime to detectives on Tuesday. "Obviously, most people don't buy their fuel from a guy in a van with 55 gallon drums," said a Sheriff's department representative, clearly speaking only for himself.

Obie, the formerly obese dachshund, recovers from surgery with a celebratory squirm (Video)

By Hudson Hongo Published: May 8, 2013 at 1:52 PM PDT Last Updated: May 8, 2013 at 4:20 PM PDT

While many Americans struggle with their weight, few manage to do it with the dignity and poise of Obie the Dachshund, whose inspirational story has given renewed hope to sausage-shaped individuals everywhere. Now, having almost fully recuperated from his puppy tummy tuck, the nation's most prominently paunchy pooch is back to doing what he does best: Being a dog who barely even knows what's happening. So take a minute out of your mostly dachshund-free day and just watch this little weirdo roll around. It's for your health, I swear. (Ed. note:

The Sibling Rivalry Podcast #351: Shovel Man

By Jeremy Grater Published: May 8, 2013 at 1:20 PM PDT

We're all off kilter in episode 351 but we still manage to cover birthdays, getting fired, chicken sex, scary shovel dudes, and whatever that thing is Stacy is doing. And bears! There's an extra dose of stupid in here.

Check out this episode!

Diary of a Fat Man

The Shortening

By Riley Scott Published: Jul 9, 2012 at 4:24 PM PDT Last Updated: Nov 20, 2012 at 1:15 PM PDT

The Shortening

Oh man, I’m still sick. This is so dumb. Being sick sucks, almost as much as being in insufferable heat. Put the two together and you have a pretty miserable Riley. I’ve got things to do this week, and being sick is really not gonna cut it. I think I’m going to take a zen sweatlodge approach to the situation. Well, I’m going to wear two sweatshirts and blow snot rockets until my nose bleeds or I pass out. I might not be entirely confident in what actually constitutes “Zen.”

My life has been getting muddled recently. The diet has clearly stagnated, although I’ve been getting comments from dudes who can’t quite put their finger on it, but are pretty sure I look "different." I’m still entirely unemployed, which is just starting to make me mad, and my sleep schedule is completely non-existent. As an aside, I don’t know what the proper procedure is when a dude you only kinda know says you’re getting skinnier. From experience, I can tell you that it does not involve popping your collar and awkwardly moonwalking around a corner.

This week is going to be a complete refocusing for me. I'm going to structure my day like that of a real person. This should get me eating at appropriate times, and lead to an general increase in productivity and decrease in feeling like a piece of shit. I even have a daily schedule and an itemized itinerary and everything. Well, It’s only a few items really:

1. Eat Breakfast, Asshole

2. Write, Fucker

3. Exercise, you generally handsome guy

I’m kind of banking on this being “The secret to my success.” Otherwise I’m falling back to plan C: Cat(whoa)man.

Did you guys catch the lightning storms last night? Shit was so cash. Even though all the streetwalker ladies were running for cover, I was hanging outside in the rain for a while because it felt nice, and that summer rain smell is one of the best things ever. Also, if TV has taught me anything, it’s that lightning storms indicate Quickenings, and as I didn’t see anybody else around, I’m lead to the logical conclusion that I am now the Highlander. Deal.

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About Riley Scott

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Diary of a Fat Man

By Riley Scott Published: May 1, 2013 at 1:00 PM PDT

I am unemployed again. Last time this happened, things got... dark, like the beginning of Apocalypse Now, but with less heroin. And more League of Legends. Last time I went off the work wagon it was sad, I was sad. I don’t mean in the frowny face and bad poetry kind of way (to be clear that was also true), but I mean specifically my writing and my body were just kinda pathetic.
That’s not going to happen this time. I have a plan.

Diary of a Fat Man

By Riley Scott Published: Apr 21, 2013 at 8:24 PM PDT

Goals are great, especially in weight loss. I’ve tried to lose weight before without any real goals, figuring I could just Spicoli my way through with no worries. It bombed, every time. This time I set goals, but they've tended to slide from specific “I want to do this by the end of the month” goals to the more general “I would like to not be fat in the near future.” I don’t think this is a negative, but I do feel it’s not very productive.

I want to make smaller, more frequent goals, maybe in week-long or even daily intervals. I still have Light Club, but it’s not the cutthroat competition I wanted it to be. Now it’s full of feelings and positive re-enforcement. Ugh.

I have a couple of ideas, though...

Diary of a Fat Man

By Riley Scott Published: Apr 17, 2013 at 12:58 PM PDT

I gained 10 pounds last week. I tried to figure out how I could sugar coat that, but it wasn’t happening. That’s a large newborn, just hanging off my gut.
I knew this was going to happen, I fucking called it. I’m clairvoyant, like some sort of palm eater, and I can’t even be smug about it. It wasn’t even like this was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy; I didn’t break keto once. In fact I’m pretty sure I had my best week so far regarding the diet. So, this (literal and figurative) bump probably isn’t related to the food I shoved in my maw.

Or maybe it is.

Diary of a Fat Man

PAINKLE: The Fat Guy Paradox

By Riley Scott Published: Apr 12, 2013 at 3:56 PM PDT

I feel optimistic and this distresses me.

Last week I was convinced I hadn’t lost any weight, and was proven wrong. This week I’m pretty sure I’ve lost weight, which, if history has taught me anything, the scale tomorrow will display a =( and snap into two sad pieces. It’s hanging over my head like some sort of cream cloud.

So, I’m optimistic about the weigh-in, but also dreading it. I’ve created my own paradox in fact, but first a little background:

No matter how well I do with any sort of weight loss measure, I’m always acutely aware of being half a step away from falling off the wagon so hard I break something. When I was 18 or 19, I went on the Atkins diet, and lost quite a bit of weight. I can’t give you an exact number because I was scalephobic at the time, but I was definitely looking trim, relatively speaking. After about a month and a half of pure shrinking, my family went to Hawaii for a wedding....

Diary of a Fat Man

By Riley Scott Published: Apr 8, 2013 at 4:33 PM PDT

I’ve had weight progress two weeks in a row. I should be ecstatic, but I just feel anxious. The scale says 268, which makes 14 pounds in about as many days. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight, but my girlfriend says my boobs look smaller, so... yay.
My clothes still don’t fit right yet. It’s an incredibly awkward experience. I feel like in the cartoons when Donatello would put on an overcoat and pretend to be a human, like no one could tell it’s a fucking turtle with a hat on. The only hint I have that I’m actually losing body fat is my underwear and its departure from my waist. They stayed true to me when I was 260, and they hung on for the ride when I ballooned up to 280, but now they just droop down my waist like a really said waterslide.

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