Hey, sorry this is so short -- I managed to jam half of my left hand to the point of being a horrible claw, unusable for anything other than scaring small children. I cannot actually use a keyboard at the moment so I'm probably texting this article to Shane piecemeal. 

I tried using this phone's text-to-speech function by yelling at it while driving, but probably hurt its feelings. It kept translating everything I screamed into "@'-&$%," which is Nokia for "eat a dick."