Einstein Bagels has decided to ruin your life

Remember when the entire city cried for 24 hours back in November because Kettleman Bagel Co. got purchased by Einstein? No? Well then you need to get with it. As soon as I heard the news, I knew that Einstein would ruin everything. They would get rid of the delicious Kettleman recipes and basically light all of my bagel dreams on fire. And sure enough, that’s exactly what they’re doing.

Einstein has put out a press release saying that other than three (currently unknown) boiled “flavors” from Kettleman’s, they will be completely replacing the menu. I can’t wrap my head around this. Are they simply acquiring the company to take their store locations? What is the goddamn point? I don’t understand how their business works so all I assume is that Einstein is owned by ogres who are sitting in an office thinking of how to ruin awesome things in Portland.

They’re based in Denver, so of course they’re jealous of us.

Apparently there is a poll on the Einstein Facebook page so that people can vote on which Kettleman flavors should be saved, but when I hit up the page all I see is hate mail (awesome) and lots of comments about how Einstein sends their frozen dough to its locations every day, which is why they suck so badly. The poll is nowhere to be found. Knowing that my anger is justified and completely civil compared to some Portland folks on their Facebook page helps me feel better.

I hope Einstein knows what they’ve done. And I hope they’re ready for an entire city to go all Mob Wives on them when it comes down to it.